Realising the Mistake
by PureVampWolf24
Summary: After killing Sirius, Bellatrix looks back at some moments in her past and comes to the conclusion that she deserves everything she gets.


Oh my God, I killed him.

I didn't mean to. It wasn't meant for him, I just-

Wasn't thinking. Too caught up; I didn't know it was him I was aiming at. If I had, I probably wouldn't have shouted that spell.

I say probably because... I don't know. I don't know myself any more; this isn't me, wasn't me... When did I become _this_?

I remember when I was different. When I was almost innocent.

_"Sirius, don't. We'll get in trouble," I say, frowning at my cousin. He shakes his head and smiles. He isn't bothered. He does this all the time._

_"No we won't. I won't get caught."_

_"Yeah, but- "_

_"Pass me that bucket, will you?"_

_I sigh and lift the bucket up, defeated, wiping my hands as soon as the bucket leaves them. Whatever Sirius put in it, it _stinks_! "Who is this for, anyway?"_

_"Reggie."_

_"Oh, not him! He'll kill us!"_

_"Well you can go and hide. Pretend you don't know anything. I'll go it alone," he pouts and my goody-two-shoes resolve immediately wavers._

_"Hurry up then."_

_I keep watch. An hour later, we hear Regulus curse. _

_And together we claim another victim._

I smile weakly. We made a good team, me and him. He thought of all the pranks and executed them and I had his back almost every time. Sometimes, I got fed up and irritable; I snapped at him. I always felt guilty, seeing his puppy face. I always said sorry.

I can't very well say sorry now. Potter is standing there, looking lost. He's in shock. But it won't take long before he's after me. I've just taken away the most important person in his life.

He has every right to angry.

I try and slip away unnoticed. But Lupin is staring straight at me as he tries to comfort Potter. He shakes his head. A huge wave of guilt floods through me.

_"Oi, Bella!"_

_I spin, clutching my books. "What?" I snap. _Call me Bella one more time, you...

_James Potter is standing in front of me, Sirius and Lupin behind him. That wimp Pettigrew is dithering nervously around them. "Fancy coming with me to Hogsmeade on Saturday?"_

_My lip curls. "I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eyes, thanks."_

_Potter puffs up automatically. Twat. "Fine. Be like that. C'mon guys, we know when we're not wanted." He brushes past me, a scowl on his face. Sirius' eyes flick from his back to me and for a second I think he's going to say something; but he just shrugs and slouches after Potter, avoiding eye contact. Being a Gryffindor changed him. Now he thinks we can't talk to each other. Maybe he's right._

_Moony – ironic nickname that I will never understand - pauses beside me and I feel his eyes on my face. I lift my head up and stare at him, challenging him. I expect him to break eye contact or at least flinch slightly, but he doesn't. He just stares at me, searching. It seems like a lifetime before he smiles faintly and walks away. _

_I hear Sirius berate him all the way down the corridor. I have no idea what to think. He's the best of them, Lupin. He's smart, he's strong and he won't put up with any crap from his 'friends'. One look and Potter knows not to push him._

_I shrug and make myself walk on. Back in the Common Room, I join Narcissa by the fire and pull out a spare bit of parchment and start doodling._

_"What's up?" she asks. Of course she can tell I'm distracted before I can._

_"Nothing."_

_"B, what's wrong?" Persistent, she is. I wonder if all little sisters are._

_"Nothing's wrong. I'm just... distracted."_

_"Well, duh. I mean, 'why are you distracted and is it something I can help with?'"_

_I think of Lupin's grey eyes boring into mine._

_"Nope."_

Potter _is _after me. I got out just in time, really. Lupin must've been unsuccessful in calming him down because the look on his face is pure hatred. I think he might actually kill me.

He raises his wand - still pelting after me - and a little voice inside me whispers '_you deserve it_' before I'm on the ground. I think he used Crucio, because I'm hurting. It's not agonising, but it's uncomfortable to say the least. My ribs are on fire; I'm panting, desperate for air, but resenting the pain the movement makes.

Is this what people feel like when I torture them? Probably tenfold, seeing as I'm practised in Unforgivables. I'm the best at inflicting pain; I give them just the right amount of awareness.

Potter stares at me. His wand is trained on me; my throat. I see something flicker in his eyes.

He won't kill me.

"_What's wrong, Cousin? Is it too hard?"_

_Sirius clutches his wand, glaring at me. "You poisonous... You don't deserve to live. After all you've done. Aren't you even the smallest bit sorry?"_

_I consider. "No."_

_He shakes his head slowly, never taking his eyes off me. _

_For all my bravado, I'm scared. Azkaban changes even the strongest of us. Sirius is broken; he isn't the cousin I used to know. What if he snaps completely, then what will I do? He could kill me. I should back down._

_But that makes me look weak. I am not weak. I won't back down. _

_I won't._

"Go on then, Potter. Do it. You have to mean it though. Remember that."

He stares at me; I can see the hatred burning, but I can also see reluctance and fear. It's not enough.

"Crucio!" I feel my ribs start to burn uncomfortably again, but apart from that nothing serious.

I feel a laugh bubble up through my lips. I can feel him coming. The Dark Lord. He'll save me. He'll show Potter what pain really is.

"_Bellatrix..."_

"_Yes, my Lord?"_

"_Do not fail me again."_

"_My Lord, I- "_

"_Silence!" A flick of his wand and I'm on the ground again. I probably scream, but concentrate on Severus' face to avoid unconsciousness. I hate that feeling of slipping and not being able to do anything._

_He does something – I don't know what - and I writhe on the ground, trying to stop the horrendous noise building up inside me escaping. I am not weak._

_The only thing I remember after that is darkness._

"Do it, Potter. She deserves it." No I don't. I don't. "She killed him." Well, I did, but I didn't mean to! "You know the spell..."

Just because he knows it, doesn't mean he's strong enough to do it. I hope. I'm not afraid of death, I see it all the time, but I am definitely not ready for my own.

Tom is scaring him. I can see the controlled fear and hatred in Potter's eyes. I used to feel like that. A very long time ago, I was afraid.

_'This is your cell.' _

_I was pushed in and as the door slammed behind me, I sank to the floor, unwilling to touch the walls, unwilling to touch anything in the dank little room. This was where I would stay for the next God-knows-how-many years._

The devil's got your number, _I thought miserably. Everything you did: if it exists... Hell is waiting. I started rocking back and forth, maybe trying to rock away my troubles. I stayed like that what felt like years. I was forgotten about, my silent tears stopped and I slipped even further into the darkness._

Many people, myself included, think that that's when I truly went insane; sitting in that cell for over ten years, nothing but screams for company. Not even the rats stayed in that place.

The night I broke out, I was thinking about my life. The choices I'd made and where I had ended up.

And I had finally accepted that I would never be free. Of what I'd done, who I'd become, where I had ended up; in Azkaban. And then I was out, breathing the salty air and feeling it sting my sunken cheeks. I didn't think, just reverted back to my old ways. To _him_. It was the easiest thing to do at the time.

I know I was wrong. I made the worst possible choices a person could make. I joined the 'bad side'. I killed Sirius. And now I will never, never be free. This is my punishment.

And I deserve it.

**A/N: So... how was that? It was just an idea I had one day, started and, of course, didn't finish. I went back to it eventually and tried to finish it the best I could. Tell me what you think? Love you in advance! xx**


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